Bound and Gagged: The Unspoken Territory of Intimacy
Why is it so hard to talk about sex?
Because we don’t have much practice.
I was luckier than most - starting in fifth grade, my parents explained the mechanics of hetero-normative intimacy. They supplied me with books (the classic Where Did I Come From?) and answered my questions.
For many of the men I see in my practice, sex was not addressed while growing up. At all. At any point. The only message you received from parents and the culture at large was…silence. This shall not be acknowledged, named, or felt.
The power of this silence does two things - it prevents knowledge from being shared, and teaches that when erotic/sexual feelings inevitably come up, they should go right back down into the dark.
For some of my clients, this results in a long-term marriage in which the silence around sex is just as thick as it was in the home they grew up in. For others, it’s challenging to start or maintain a relationship because it feels impossible to initiate sex or resolve sexual issues.
Putting words to your experiences, desires, and challenges is the starting point to a better sex life and deeper intimacy. Simple, but not easy.
Here’s how it begins:
Lack of vocabulary. If you are not used to discussing sex, you may simply not have the words. Or they get stuck in your throat.
It will feel deeply uncomfortable. You have spent a lifetime honoring an agreement to not speak. There will be layers of shame and anxiety screaming at you to keep the status quo. You will feel a lot of sensation in your body.
You will feel better. Once the words and feelings surface, and someone hears you, and responds with curiosity rather than judgment - you will be relieved. As I hear almost every day in my office - “It just feels good to talk about it.”
And it gets easier. Choosing to speak unbinds the years of shame, frustration, and disconnection.
It even gets…fun. Some clients have started writing erotica, or documenting their most powerful sexual experiences as a guide to what they want more of, or becoming experts at dirty talk.
Working with a sex and intimacy coach can help you open the conversation between you and your sexuality, and you and your partner(s). If you’re ready, I’m here to lend an ear.
