Bringing Playfulness to Your Erotic Life
One of the most important - and underrated - reasons for having sex is to have FUN. While this might sound obvious, it’s easy to forget, especially when you’re wrapped up in expectations, nerves, or the comfort of routine. Whether you’re just getting to know someone or you've been with your partner for years, embodying playfulness can transform any encounter into something extraordinary.
For many of the men and couples I work with, when I suggest “Why don’t we play with that?,” there’s a knowing smile and a sheepish response: “Yes, I know I could play more.”
We all know we could play more…the voice in the back of our minds says, “Loosen up! Let go a bit!” But if it’s so obvious, why don’t we do it more often? What gets in the way of letting ourselves be playful, spontaneous, and just plain silly in bed?
Playful couple in bed
What Gets in the Way?
For many of us, it's fear of judgment—from ourselves or our partner. What if we make a suggestion and get a blank stare in return? What if our playful idea comes off as silly or immature? Those "what ifs" put a damper on spontaneity, keeping us from fully expressing ourselves.
Another block can be a sense of performance pressure. In a world that often treats sex like a sport with “goals” and “scores,” it’s easy to get wrapped up in the idea of “doing it right.” This mindset makes it hard to relax and play when we’re worried about whether we’re doing enough or if we’re pleasing our partner.
There’s also the comfort of routine—something that feels safe, predictable, and... well, a little boring sometimes. When we fall into familiar patterns, it’s easy to forget that sex is about exploration, not just repetition. Routines might offer comfort, but they can also create a kind of complacency that stifles playfulness.
And let’s not forget about past experiences. Maybe you've tried to invite something new before, and it didn’t go quite as planned. Or perhaps you grew up in a household where sensuality was something serious or taboo, and you never learned how to bring a lighthearted spirit into your intimate life.
But here's the thing: even if these obstacles feel real, they're not permanent roadblocks. You can break through them, step by step, and rediscover a sense of playful freedom in your erotic life. It starts with a small shift in mindset: giving yourself permission to be imperfect, to laugh at awkward moments, and to treat sex as an adventure where the journey is way more important than the destination.
Because deep down, we all crave the same thing: the joy that comes from fully letting go, being present, and allowing our pleasure to unfold naturally. And that’s where the fun really begins.
Here are some inspirations to get your creative, playful, devious juices flowing:
Share a Fantasy
Sexual fantasies are as unique as the people who have them. Tell your partner about a fantasy that feels enticing. You could do this before you get physical - even over text, email, or phone - or whisper into her ear as a part of foreplay. Sharing doesn’t mean you’re required to enact the fantasy - although you certainly can choose to. Sometimes even just verbalizing a fantasy while you’re being sexy together electrifies the intensity.
Role Play
Stepping out of your everyday identity can be liberating, if a little awkward at first. It may free you to have experiences you would normally shy away from. Try dressing as a character that gets you feeling a little dangerous or mysterious. Maybe it’s a suave movie star, a seductive stranger, or even a wild creature from the depths of your imagination. How does your alter-ego flirt, caress, and tease? Give yourself the freedom to let loose and be a version of yourself you’ve never shown before.
Create Unique Games
Invite your partner to play with you - create games from scratch or repurpose your favorite board games. Sensual Uno? Each card suit could represent a different sexual act or determine who will receive or give. Movement-based games can be oh-so-sexy too—how about naked tag around the house? Strip-tease red-light, green-light? Erotic wrestling on the living room floor?
Play with Power
“BDSM is childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege, and cool toys.”
Playing with power invites you to shift erotic dynamics in a way that creates excitement and connection. When you bring power dynamics into the bedroom, you’re stepping into a delicious game where anticipation, surrender, and a bit of teasing can build incredible intimacy.
For some, power play leads to exploring the world of BDSM—which stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. This can include anything from a light tease with a blindfold or gentle restraint to more intense experiences involving toys, role-playing scenes, or darker power exchanges. It’s all about what makes you feel excited and safe, what sparks your curiosity, and what deepens the connection between you and your partner.
At the end of the day, remember that your erotic life is your playground. It's a space to bring your full self, experiment without judgment, and enjoy the pleasure of being fully present.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, bringing a playful attitude can open new pathways for connection and pleasure - possibly shifting routine or stagnant sexual dynamics.
If you’re dating a new prospect, you might feel pressure to do a good job (in bed or otherwise). Focusing on fun can lighten performance pressure and relieve anxiety.
In other words, sexual encounters can be an opportunity to play together rather than perform for each other.
