Normalizing Fetishes: A Guide to Sexual Exploration
Exploring sexuality is a deeply personal and vulnerable journey.
As a sex coach, one of the first things I help people with is to understand their core desires - what they most want to feel emotionally during sexual encounters. Not necessarily what they want to DO - there can be many variations on the theme to satisfy your core desires.
But for some folks, exquisitely specific experiences bring the most intense arousal - and are required to be completely gratified. If that’s true for you, you have a fetish.
If you’ve ever felt shame or confusion about your desires, know this: you are not alone. Let’s look at what fetishes are, why they’re more common than you might think, and how to celebrate them as part of a healthy, unique, and very hot sexual identity.
Woman’s feet in heels
What Is a Fetish?
A fetish is a heightened sexual interest in a specific object, body part, sensation, or scenario that is not typically associated with eroticism. Or more succinctly, here’s my favorite definition from vocabulary.com—“an extremely strong devotion to something.”
This can range from a love of certain textures/fabrics, to a fascination with feet, specific role-play, or any desire that creates a strong arousal when repeated. If you have a fetish, you may depend on that object or act to become fully aroused or to climax.
Fetishes are a natural part of human sexual diversity and often develop from a mix of personal experiences, psychological wiring, and cultural influences.
For example, let’s say when you were young you watched a cartoon with Catwoman. Something about the shape of her body and the black shiny catsuit made your body tingle. This sensation gets wired into your brain and from that day forward, women in latex arouse you more than anything else.
Why the Shame?
Having a fetish doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you, but it sure can feel like it. In fact, research shows that a wide range of fetishes are common. It’s estimated that around 50% of people report having at least one sexual interest outside of what’s considered “vanilla.”
Despite this, many people struggle with feelings of guilt or embarrassment. Our culture (particularly in the US) has long stigmatized sexual interests “outside the norm,” and the menu of what’s considered sexually normal is painfully limited.
This can create a cycle of internalized shame - you might suppress your desires, act on them when the wanting becomes too intense to deny, and then be plunged back into shame and hiding.
But here’s the truth: shame thrives in silence. The more we talk openly about fetishes with people who are open, curious, and understanding (friends, lovers, therapists, coaches), the more we can dismantle the stigma. By normalizing these conversations, we allow ourselves—and others—the freedom to explore our sexuality without judgment.
Breaking the Myths About Fetishes
It’s important to challenge the myths that can make fetishes feel isolating. Here are a few truths to hold onto:
Fetishes Are Not Dangerous. As long as they are consensual and respectful of your boundaries and those you’re playing with, fetishes are a natural way to connect with your desires. Even if you have a fetish that could be considered illegal or outside the bounds of culture, there is usually a creative way to set up the scenario in a safe way with a willing partner.
You’re Not Alone. Most likely, there are people out there want to play in the same way you do! Online groups and kinky dating apps can be a great way to meet like-minded people. Professional dominatrixes/doms can also provide services. These connections can help you feel seen, understood, and most importantly— met and satisfied.
Exploration Is Healthy. Sexual curiosity is a normal part of human development. Allowing yourself to explore your desires can lead to deeper intimacy and self-awareness. There is a principle from Existential Kink that states: Desire evolves through fulfillment, not denial and repression.
Man tied at the wrists - shibari
Theories Behind Fetishes
Early Conditioning
Certain experiences during formative years can create strong associations between arousal and specific objects, sensations, or scenarios. For instance, if someone experiences arousal while exposed to a particular texture or situation, the brain may encode that connection, making it a recurring source of excitement.
Imprinting
Similar to early conditioning, imprinting occurs when a person’s first sexual experiences or fantasies leave a lasting impression. For example, a fascination with feet might originate from an accidental encounter during puberty that became linked to arousal.
Neurological Factors
Brain activity and structure can influence fetishes. As mentioned earlier, sensory mapping in the brain may explain some fetishes (e.g., feet). Additionally, the brain’s reward system may intensify attraction to novel or taboo stimuli.
Escapism and Control
Fetishes often provide a psychological outlet for unmet needs or desires. For example, someone with a high-pressure job might enjoy submission as a way to temporarily escape responsibility. Conversely, those who feel powerless in daily life might gravitate toward dominance.
Social and Cultural influences
Media, cultural norms, and societal taboos can shape fetishistic interests. For example, the glamorization of leather or uniforms in movies and magazines may increase their erotic appeal. Similarly, societal restrictions around certain topics can make them more alluring due to the “forbidden fruit” effect.
Evolutionary Psychology
Some fetishes may have evolutionary roots. For example, a preference for certain body parts (e.g., hips, legs, or feet) could symbolize health, fertility, or strength, even if the associations are subconscious.
The Thrill of Taboo
Our brains are inherently curious. Fetishes often center around things that feel slightly forbidden or outside the norm, which can create a thrill that heightens arousal.
Steps to Embrace Your Fetish
If you’re ready to take a more compassionate view of your fetish, here are a few steps to consider:
Educate Yourself. Learn more about your specific fetish and its history. Understanding it can help you feel more informed and less isolated.
Talk to Someone You Trust. Sharing your feelings with an understanding partner, therapist/coach, or supportive friend can provide a safe space to process your emotions.
Practice Self-Compassion. Remind yourself that your desires are a part of what makes you unique. Instead of judging yourself, ask: “What can I learn from this about who I am?”
Seek Out Supportive Communities. Online forums, workshops, and discussion groups can connect you with others who share your interests and can offer guidance.
Communicate with Partners. If you’re in a relationship, open and honest communication about your desires can create opportunities for deeper intimacy and mutual understanding. This can be challenging if you sense your partner may be shocked or judgemental — it’s a good idea to first work through your understanding of your fetish and practice ways of communicating effectively with a sex-positive therapist or coach.
A Final Note: Fetishes Are a Part of Being Human
Your desires, whatever they may be, are an expression of your humanity. They don’t define your worth or morality—they’re simply part of what makes you, you.
By embracing your unique sexual identity, you allow yourself to live more authentically. It may be a process to accept, but there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for intimacy or pleasure. You deserve to experience connection and joy in ways that feel right for you.
The next step is yours to take. Whether it’s a conversation, a moment of reflection, or exploring new experiences, each step brings you closer to embracing who you truly are. I am here as a coach who can guide you toward satisfying your fetish in a way that feels right.
Schedule your free consultation here, and let’s explore.
