Putting Yourself First in Relationships: Why it Matters and How to Do It
In relationships, it’s natural to want to show up as our best selves—to give, support, and nurture our partners. But what happens when that desire turns into people-pleasing, and we override our own feelings and desires to become the "perfect" person for someone else?
When we habitually prioritize our partner’s needs above our own, we risk losing touch with our authentic selves. Over time, this can lead to resentment, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of identity loss. Resentment in particular can quietly erode intimacy and connection, often acting as a silent killer of erotic energy between partners.
I’ll confess, I have strong people-pleasing tendencies. At a recent workshop I facilitated, a participant commented, "I've never met a people pleaser who wasn't full of rage." This resonated with me because…well…I have felt that underlying rage and it has appeared in surprising and nasty ways in past relationships.
Where People-Pleasing Comes From
People-pleasing behaviors are often rooted in our early life experiences. Many of us learned to seek approval and validation as children, adapting to the expectations of caregivers, teachers, and peers. If love and acceptance felt conditional—based on our ability to please or avoid conflict—we may have internalized the belief that our needs come second to maintaining harmony.
In other words, we get wired with the belief that “I have to be a good boy/girl to stay connected.”
Society and cultural conditioning also play a role. Many of us are socialized to believe that selflessness is a virtue and that prioritizing our desires is selfish or unkind. Or we just don’t want to “get in trouble.”
Over time, this pattern can become automatic, leading us to chronically disregard our inner voice in favor of external validation.
The Challenges of Putting Yourself First
Prioritizing your own experience can have a steep learning curve. It feels painfully uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent decades pleasing others. It may bring up guilt, fear of rejection, or worries about conflict. The courage to honor your needs is not selfish—it’s the only way to let someone else truly know you.
When you show up from a place of self-connection, your relationships become richer and more balanced. You can learn to love and support your partner without sacrificing your own well-being.
And if you’re in a partnership where that’s not the case? It may be time to evaluate whether the relationship aligns with your authentic needs and values, and consider what changes are necessary to create a more fulfilling dynamic.
How People-Pleasing Affects Your Sex Life
People-pleasing doesn't just show up in daily interactions—it can deeply impact your intimate life. When you're constantly focused on your partner’s desires and neglecting your own, sex can become performative rather than an act of connection and pleasure. Over time, this imbalance can lead to a lack of fulfillment, disconnection, and even resentment in the bedroom.
When you prioritize your partner’s needs over your own in sex, you may find yourself agreeing to experiences that don’t truly resonate with you, faking enjoyment to keep the peace, or avoiding important conversations about what you really want. This dynamic erodes intimacy and can create a cycle of dissatisfaction and avoidance.
Reclaiming your desires and asserting your boundaries in your sex life is essential for cultivating true erotic connection. Honest communication about your needs, preferences, and boundaries invites a deeper, more fulfilling intimate experience for both partners. True passion thrives when both people feel seen, heard, and valued—without compromise.
Practices to Reclaim Your Truth
If you're ready to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and put yourself first in relationships, here are some practical steps:
Tune Into Your Body: Notice physical sensations when you’re making decisions—does your chest feel tight? Is there a sinking feeling in your stomach? These signals can help you identify when you're overriding your true feelings.
Practice Saying No: Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Saying no can feel empowering and reinforces that your needs matter.
Identify Your Desires: Take time each day to reflect on what you genuinely want—whether it’s a quiet evening alone, a particular career goal, or something deeper within your relationship.
Use "I" Statements: Communicate your feelings without blaming or projecting onto your partner. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when we don't discuss plans together" instead of "You never consider my feelings."
Grounding Exercises: Engage in embodiment practices like deep breathing, mindful movement, or somatic work to stay present with your emotions and cultivate self-trust.
Reclaim Your Anger: If you have a habit of people-pleasing, reconnecting with your anger can be a powerful practice. Anger can help you physically feel your boundaries and life force, revealing where you may have been suppressing your needs.
A Client Story: Reclaiming Balance in a Relationship
One couple I worked with, Sara and James, struggled with this dynamic.
Sara often put James' needs first, prioritizing his work schedule and social life over her aspirations. She would delay making plans with friends until she knew when he was free, which was often last minute. Over time, she began feeling isolated and unfulfilled, yet she feared expressing her desires would make her seem demanding.
Through our work together, Sara learned to recognize her people-pleasing patterns and began practicing self-advocacy in small ways—voicing her preferences for weekend plans and setting boundaries around her personal time. James learned to listen to her needs and found that their relationship grew stronger with more honest communication.
By shifting her focus inward and honoring her desires, Sara felt more grounded and empowered, ultimately fostering a deeper connection with James built on mutual respect and authenticity.
It’s Your Life
Prioritizing yourself in a relationship is an act of self-love and self-respect. It allows you to show up more fully, creating space for a partnership that is balanced, fulfilling, and truly reciprocal. Start with small steps and notice how your relationships transform when you choose to honor your own experience first.
If you're ready to dive deeper and explore how to put yourself first in relationships without guilt, I invite you to book a 1:1 coaching session with me. Together, we can uncover the patterns holding you back and create a path toward authentic connection and empowerment. Reach out today to get started!
