So You Want to be a Dom…

When it comes to dominance, most of us have been fed a steady diet of shades-of-grey clichés: the “alpha male” who takes what he wants, never shows vulnerability, and commands control in every room he enters. 

This image of dominance might look good in movies, but it often doesn’t feel right or sustainable in real life.

Many men I work with want to embrace more dominance, especially in the bedroom. Maybe your partner has asked you to take control sexually - but you feel blocked, unskilled, or fearful. You don’t know how to do it authentically.

Exploring dominance is not for the faint of heart—it challenges us to uncover and own our desires, then pursue them with confidence that they can and deserve to be fulfilled. There’s an inherent vulnerability to claiming your dominant side.

In this blog, I explore how you might develop a genuine, aligned, and powerful version of dominance that feels right for you.

Erotic Dominance

Erotic dominance is a form of sexual power play. It asks you to take the lead while being attuned to your partner’s needs, boundaries, and desires. A Dom takes responsibility for creating a dynamic where both partners can explore deep connection and aliveness.

Erotic dominance can manifest in many ways:

• Creatively: This might involve taking charge of the pace, tone, or intensity of an intimate encounter (or scene), guiding a partner’s experience with confidence and care.

• Emotionally: Being the grounding presence in the relationship, offering reassurance, and creating a safe space for vulnerability.

• Playfully: Using humor, teasing, or lighthearted authority to build anticipation and excitement.

True erotic dominance is rooted in self-awareness, presence, and high-level communication.

What Does It Mean to Embody Your Dominant Side?

Embodying dominance doesn’t mean overpowering others or insisting on being the loudest voice in the room. True dominance is subtle yet unmistakable, like a strong current beneath calm waters.

To step into this role, you need to go through a process of internal alignment. Here are a few important aspects to finding your inner Dom:

1. Self-Awareness and Self-Trust
   Before you can lead anyone else, you need to understand yourself. Self-awareness is the foundation of any genuine dominant role. Get clear on your desires, boundaries, values, and fears. When you trust yourself, others will feel more secure under your guidance. This means being unafraid to look at your vulnerabilities, not to suppress them, but to integrate them. Knowing your weaknesses and your strengths allows you to be more grounded and intentional in your interactions.

2. Presence and Attention
   Dominance isn’t about raising your voice or aggressively asserting control; it’s about being deeply present. When you’re fully attuned to the person in front of you, whether a romantic partner, friend, or colleague, your energy will naturally command respect. Presence is about engaging deeply, listening intently, and responding creatively rather than reacting. This level of attentiveness creates a safe space for a woman to open up, and allows you to lead from a place of empathy and genuine connection.

3. Emotional Resilience
   A dominant presence asks you to meet emotional challenges without becoming destabilized. This is where self-regulation comes in: learning to respond calmly under pressure, taking responsibility for your own emotional state, and communicating openly without being defensive. These qualities inspire trust and respect, both in intimate relationships and in other areas of life. The more grounded you are, the more solidly you can guide others through intense experiences.

What Dominance Might Look Like for You

For many men, preconceived notions about dominance create an internal barrier. You might envision a dominant person as loud, forceful, demanding, or uber-sophisticated—qualities that don’t match your natural personality. And so you resist exploring this part of yourself, fearing that becoming dominant means compromising values or becoming “someone else.”

But dominance doesn’t have to look like the stereotype. There are many ways to embody a dominant role that may feel more authentic and aligned with your personality. Here are a few alternative styles of dominance:

• Quiet Dominance: This form of dominance is grounded in calm presence rather than words or outward displays of strength. Quiet dominants lead by example, hold their boundaries firmly, and speak with a sense of calm authority. They command respect simply by how they carry themselves.

• Playful Dominance: Some men embody dominance through playfulness and humor. They know how to lead with a light touch, using wit and charm to engage others. This style is perfect for those who naturally connect with others through laughter, joy, and ease.

• Grounded Dominance: This type of dominance comes from a place of emotional steadiness and self-assurance. Grounded dominants are patient, resilient, and thoughtful, inspiring trust in those around them. Their authority is rooted in reliability and deep empathy.

When you’re able to move past rigid stereotypes of dominance, you open yourself to the possibility of creating a style of erotic leadership that’s authentic to you.

In my coaching, we work together to identify what this looks like for you personally—your unique flavor of dominance. By understanding your natural strengths, communication style, and values, we can develop an approach to dominance that feels aligned, purposeful, and sustainable.

In the next post, we’ll explore the deeper “why” behind your desire for dominance and how understanding your motivation can lead you toward a style of dominance that’s truly authentic.